Tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la blah blah blah. I would ordinarily love this time of year. Nah, not really. Retail and commercialism has ruined the magic of the Christmas season. Instead of being a season of goodwill and cheer, it has turned into give-me-more and be totally nasty. Black Friday shopping is definitely the beginning of the holiday season.

I miss the days that Black Friday shopping meant planning the Sunday before when all the ads came out. The excitement of making a map of all the stores you plan on hitting, and the thrill of anticipation of being allowed to get up to stand in line at 3am. Or even planning what you would wear Black Friday shopping. The easier the better!

Now, all the stores that get a jump on things on Thanksgiving night. For those that don’t have a family, it is a great solution. But when you do have a family, it is cruel and inhumane to take them away from family celebrations so other people can buy things and be nasty.

So this is my advice for Black Friday shopping, whatever it is worth.

Black Friday Shopping Advice To Newbie Participants:

Dear Black Friday shopping participant,

I am writing this letter on behalf of all the stressed-out retail workers who are working this holiday season. In order to understand why you are being so nasty, I have a few questions for you. Really, I’d like some honest answers so that I know how to make your life easier, and sacrifice my sanity at the same time.

First off, why do you have to be so mean? Seriously, do you really think that you are the only person in this world that has shopping to do? And are you that self-centered that you think that you and your needs are the only ones that matter? As someone who genuinely wants to help you, it is soul-crushing to know that you think I am not good enough to be treated with a little common sense. Or courtesy.

Along the same line as being treated with courtesy, is it that much trouble to have some patience? Of course I want to help you find the perfect gift, but is it really necessary to stand there and tap your foot while I am on the phone? I promise, I will get to you as soon as I can, just hang in there. And in case you haven’t noticed, I keep an eye on who was at the counter first, and will help everyone in turn.

Again, other customers have needs too, and we are knocking ourselves out to serve everyone as soon as possible. And why oh why do you yell at me because the book or item you want is out of stock? I can only do so much with what I am given with. I will even order it for you and ship it directly to your house(as always, shipping fees may apply).

Did you know that walking through a store while texting can really hurt someone? I have seen many elderly people get run over by people who are walking and texting. Guess what? Most of them are not teenagers, but adults that should know better than that. I love having to apologize to Grandma because of your being inconsiderate.

If you need to take a call or send a text, please step to the side out-of-the-way. It is simple. Along the same line, when you are checking out, please put your &#!& phone down for a second. I am devoting my attention to you…is it too much for me to get the same courtesy?

Speaking of things you should never do: drive like you forgot how. Why does the Christmas holiday bring out “aggressive driver mode” in normal human beings? Driving up my ass is not going to get you there any faster. Here is a novel concept, instead of driving fast, try leaving earlier. Try it sometime, it actually works. And stalking me for my parking spot? That is a no-no too.

We are all in a hurry, but I am sick and tired of almost being run down by an aggressive driver. I just put in a full day, and I am usually tired. I want to get home to my family, and I’d rather not do that by way of an ambulance. It takes too much paperwork, and wastes the security guard’s time as well.

Despite all the things that irk the bejeezus out of me, I want you to know a few things. I am truly sorry for the retail workers that are not professional to you. That is not right either. I guess that is why some shoppers are so mean, because there are some out there that are just plain dumb and nasty and unprofessional. But know this, I like helping you. I love finding books for you.

It makes me smile to have a customer excited because I helped them find a new author. And when your kid smiles and says thank you? It’s a jackpot! Seeing an adult smile at you and be polite? Priceless. That is what makes the retail season so enjoyable, despite the crazy Christmas shoppers out there. Because we know it isn’t everyone, but those few little gems wreck everything for everybody else. Try not to do it anymore, okay?

Sincerely,
The Overworked Retail Worker that really wants to do everything for you.

But Black Friday shopping isn’t always this bad. I have tons of customers that are nice, and pleasant, and really fun to talk to. It is also the day that I start listening to Christmas music, which definitely puts me in a better mood. And that is a great thing. And sometimes, just sometimes, you can get some amazing deals on the items you need in the future.